For most of my life I have carried shame.  I’m not sure when it started or even why, but I have always internalized every mistake, misspoken word, failure, and broken relationship.  I have felt broken and believed the lie that I was unlovable.  Shame was the theme of my narrative for far too long.

Last year, only added to the shame I carried. It was hard to work through it and there were times I thought I was making progress only to have a situation bring shame right back front and center. One day while talking through it, my therapist stopped me and asked if the cross was enough. She went on to tell me that if I really believed Christ died as the price for my sin then I needed to accept His forgiveness for every sin and misstep. It was a gut punch and I sat speechless.

She was right though.  Jesus didn’t die for only some of our sins, but He died for all of it.  Nothing I have ever done was a surprise to God.  He knew all of our sin before we even existed.

Romans 5:8 says, “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God knew we would fall short and had a plan to save us from the penalty of sin from the beginning of time. There is nothing we can do that will make Him love us any less.

There is a song, “Any More,” by Cain.  It says:

“You got a voice in your head
The same old guilt and regret
You heard a thousand time before
After the choices you’ve made
You’re waiting for me to say
I couldn’t love you anymore

The enemy has lied to you
But listen to me, here’s the truth

I couldn’t love you any more
Than I do right now
There’s nowhere I wouldn’t go
To get to you my child
Take a look at the cross
Then you’ll know it for sure
I couldn’t love you
I couldn’t love you any more”

Satan wants us to believe the lie that we are too broken and that we should hold onto shame.  Friend, don’t believe the lie anymore.  When you ask God to forgive your sins, He does.  He loved us so much that Jesus died for our sins.  The cross is enough.  The price has been paid, and it is finished.  Don’t live in the grave of shame anymore.

Are you holding onto shame from past mistakes?  Give it to Him.  Ask for His forgiveness where you need to and lean into Him as you leave the shame at the cross.  He couldn’t love you any more than He already does.  May we land on His grace.

I recently listened to a chapel service by Andrew Peterson and one of the words He discussed was one coined by JRR Tolkien, “eucatastrophe.”  It means good catastrophe.  Essentially, a eucatastrophe happens at the darkest moment when all seems lost and is a sudden joyous turn of events or victory that is by grace and not heroic acts.  Hearing this finally gave me a word for the events of the last year.

All hope seemed lost, it seemed to be a disaster or catastrophe where only darkness seemed to abound, but God.  It was really a eucatastrophe because the author of the story in His grace provided a way out.  What seemed like the end to me became a sudden joyous turn of events bringing new life in Him.

During the last 10 months, I’ve been left overwhelmed by Him.  He could have stopped at getting me through the dark nights, but He didn’t.  He has continued to clean up the entire mess I made. 

Most of my broken relationships are being renewed in Him.  I’m dreaming again, and have a renewed joy.  I’m physically stronger than I thought was ever possible.  Today, the unsurmountable pile of medical bills has been paid in a way only God could provide. I sit here, honestly, speechless.  Thank you doesn’t feel sufficient.

Today has been a day of being in awe of Him.  While words fail, I can’t stop listening and singing worship songs to Him.  Belting off key my thankfulness and praise to Him.  Praise to the God who sees me, hears me, and faithfully always provides more than I can think or imagine.  No need goes unmet by the author and creator.  How could I so foolishly doubt Him?

I find myself thinking of this quote by Samwise Gamgee in “The Lord of the Rings,” “I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.”

While we may see the eucatastrophes in the stories of our own lives, the ultimate eucatastrophe is that while we were still sinners, Christ died for our sins (Romans 5:8).  The wages of sin is death and Jesus stepped in and paid that price so that we may have eternal life in Him (Romans 6:23).  That is the ultimate sudden joyous victory.   That is the hope we hold on to. 

Maybe you are in the midst of what feels like a catastrophe.  Sometimes the darkness keeps us from seeing the way out and all we see is doom.  Hold on, because when it seems all hope is lost, God steps in with His grace and walks us through the hard parts.  Only He can turn a catastrophe into a eucatastrophe.  May we land on His grace. 

I have a tendency to have an anxious heart.  I want to plan everything out and be prepared for the worst of every situation.  As if I could ever really be prepared for every twist and turn in life.  

As I sit here writing, I am feeling extremely anxious about an upcoming surgery to implant a stimulator to better manage my gastroparesis.  There is so much about the planning for it, that is out of my control.  If I let myself stay there, I could quickly tailspin out of control into all of the thoughts of the unknown. 

The first Bible verse I learned as a child was 1 Peter 5:7, “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”  God planted that verse into my little anxious heart and it has been one I have clung to throughout my life.  But, how do we cast our anxiety on Him?

About a year ago, I heard a sermon about anxiety that would add to how I apply this verse in my daily life to help battle my anxiety.  From that sermon I was challenged to make gratitude list and as well as list ways God has provided in the past.  After that sermon, I started a practice of writing “Cast all your anxiety on Him” and making a list of all the things I was anxious about that day.  Then I followed that list with writing, “In all things give thanks” and making a list of all the things I was grateful for that day.  I had a personal rule that I had to be thankful for at least 3x more than the list of anxiety.

In the beginning I was not very consistent with that list or my quiet time with God, in general.  When things happened in January, I began to gain consistency with my quiet time as a way that I was anchoring into God.  When I first started this activity the list of anxiety was long and sometimes it was hard to think of 3x the number of things I was grateful for that day.  

In time, I have found that the list of anxiety has gotten much shorter than it was when I first started.  I also found that the things that have continued to make it on the anxiety list have lessened in the intensity of anxiousness or hurt.  They still concern me but not to the degree that left my heart aching.  

As I was casting my anxiety on Him there was a shift in my focus.  I began to focus more on the gratitude and ways God was providing, and focus less on my fears, anxiety, and hurts.  There was a gratitude shift.  I was able to cast or throw the anxiety to God and let my heart only carry the thankfulness.  It moved me from an anxious heart to a heart full of praise for my Father, God.

What things are holding your heart right now?  What is weighing you down or causing sleepless nights?  I encourage you to “Cast all your anxiety on Him.”  Make a list and follow it with a list of His blessings in your life.  You weren’t meant to carry the weight of anxiety.  He wants to carry it for you.  Give it to Him and let your heart become heart full of praise of God’s faithfulness, even in the midst of the hard.  May we land on His grace.

I ran into the crashing waves excited to try out my new boogie board, I got about waist high in the water, and positioned myself just right to catch the wave.  Within seconds, I was knocked off and caught in the undertow unable to free myself from the current.  I held my breath as I struggled to try to sit up in the shallow water.  No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t free myself from the current.  It was less than a minute before I was washed onto shore but seemed like an eternity.  I didn’t see the red flag that was there to warn me that there was danger in the waves.  

I don’t know about you, but I feel my feelings.  My feelings tend to be big.  I feel them so much that I can’t ignore them.  For me, feelings can be just like the crashing waves and if I’m not careful, I can get stuck in the undertow.  For so long, when I experienced negative emotions, I would get stuck in the undertow letting my emotions dictate my next move or believe that the negative would last forever.  The negative emotions would lead to negative self-talk and I would get caught in a web of depression.  

When January 2023 happened, I had been in the grasp of the undertow of my emotions for years, if I’m honest.  I couldn’t keep going like that any longer.  The weeks after the implosion left me in a wake of all of the negative emotions of shame, loneliness, feeling unloved, feeling abandoned, feeling like a failure, hopelessness, and feeling like it would never get better.  I believed the lies of my emotions like I always had.  I knew it had to change, but I didn’t know how to change it.  

In those early days, I fought back against the negative emotions by simply showing up and riding the waves.  Those were long and hard days.  During the months to follow I began to learn how to acknowledge the feelings, but then remind myself of God’s truth.  I started to see the initial negative emotions as the red flag telling me to proceed with caution because the waves were raging. 

I wrote out Bible verses that stated the promises of God on little flash cards that I could quickly reference when my emotions tried to knock me over.  I plastered Philippians 4:8 in my room, bathroom, and on the screen saver on my phone. “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”  I had to remind myself to think of the hope I had in Christ and not on the feelings associated with the grief and all the things I thought I lost.  I wrote the verses out because I knew when the waves came, I might not be able to think to look the verses up.  I became prepared for the waves.  

I learned that my emotions may have a tendency to rage like ocean waves, but I had a choice to let them knock me over or anchor myself in Christ.  We are human and feelings are part of the human experience the good ones and the bad ones.  When we are anchored into Christ we will not drown in the shallow water of our emotions.  We can feel them, acknowledge them, and remind ourselves that He is walking us through the toughest of emotions. 

I still have waves of big emotions but the difference is that I am prepared with the tools that help me anchor myself in Him.  My emotions are temporary and often lessen with time.  I just have to ride them out as I cling to His word, His truth, His promises.

If you are in a place where the waves of emotions are knocking you down this may seem cliché.  When the waves are knocking you down it often doesn’t seem like God is there or that you have any hope.  Despite the feelings anchor into Him and remind yourself that the raging storm of feelings is often happening in the shallow water.  Prepare yourself for the raging waves.  I pray that you will find ways to remind yourself of God’s truth and promises.  His anchor will hold, just press into him.  You are not alone.  May we land on His grace.

A year ago, I was baptized.  I grew up in church and was baptized as a kid, and being baptized again wasn’t on my radar.  Last year, I felt God ask me if I really trusted Him, and I felt I needed to be baptized.  I prayed hard on it and felt He was really asking me to follow in obedience to Him.  So, I did it.  

Fast forward to those nights in late January and February when I was sitting in the wreckage of the health issues, suicide attempts, and broken relationships.  It was my baptism in October 2022 that became a touchstone moment, for me.  I would replay the video of the baptism multiple times a night to remind myself that He had me and that I wanted to trust Him even in the mess.  Watching the video also reminded me of when I accepted Christ when I was 8.  My pastor, Brother Bob, had me hold his arm and he grabbed mine.  He had me let go of him while he still held onto me and told me that even if I ever let go of God, God still had me.

Those nights were hard.  I was wrestling with God and why He hadn’t stopped all of the suffering.  I was so tired of being sick.  I was tired of feeling alone.  I was tired of fighting to overcome the suffering.  I wanted the depression, hurt of broken relationships, and overwhelming angst to just be over forever.  

One night, as I sat in the darkness of the middle of the night, I thought of ways to end my life with no room for survival.  I went through each thought and I had an excuse not to go through with any of them.  I sat there realizing there seemed to be unbearable pain with choosing death or life.  Something had to end that night.  I was either going to give into my fear of living or decide, once and for all, that God was bigger than my fear of continuing to live in suffering.

I chose to live.  I decided to trust that God was bigger than all the heartache I was feeling.  That night I imagined myself grasping onto God’s arm and physically tightened my right hand as though I was holding Him tightly.  I may have let go of Him but He still had me.  He wasn’t going to let me go.  Those early days were a second-by-second decision to hold on just a little longer.  The suicidal thoughts didn’t go away that night, but I held to my decision to keep showing up to see how God would get me through the pain.

There is a song by Katy Nichole called, “Hold On” and it became a song I played on repeat.  

“Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Just hold on, hold on….

Just wait ’til you see what’s at the end of the road
A new life is ready to unfold”

I held onto the words in that song.  I began to have confidence in the hope I have in Christ.  The hope wasn’t that the suffering would end and life would only be happily ever after, but that He was never going to let go of me as I walked through the hardest parts of life.  He had me, and a new life was going to unfold.  A life where my faith in Him was forged in the darkest night of my soul.  I pray I never have to walk through that darkness again, but I’m thankful for the relationship I have with Him because of those dark nights.

If you are in that dark place and unsure of how you will go on, please hold on.  First, cry out to God.  He wants to help walk you through it.  It might not feel like it, but God is bigger than the crushing pain you may feel.  Second, reach out for professional help if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts.  There is hope.  It may seem impossible but you will get through it, if you put your hope and trust in God.  Hold on.  Keep showing up second by second, and although it may not be easy, it will get better.  “Just wait ’til you see what’s at the end of the road, A new life is ready to unfold.”  May we land on His grace.

_{Photo Credit: Catalyst Sports, Top left 2021, Top right 2022, Bottom left and right 2023}

I started adaptive rock climbing a couple of years ago.  I saw that Catalyst Sports started a chapter in Louisville and they were going to have a monthly adaptive rock climbing event for people with disabilities.  I thought why not give it a shot.  

Y’all I’m afraid of heights.  That first climb was brutal and I only made it a third of the way up.  I had a waist harness, chest harness, and two people climbing beside me to help since I have right side weakness.  I couldn’t have been safer and yet I doubted my safety and my ability to climb with the help.  It was hard and I was hyper focused on how hard it was and how afraid I was in the moment.  How often do we focus more on the hardness of circumstances and fears rather than the fact that we are anchored into God?

            Before a climb, I get with my belayer and tie into the other end of their rope.  Together we check the knot and ensure we are safe and set for the climb.  When I climb, I am usually only focused on the holds I can see and the next move.  The belayer sees the whole climb and can guide me when I get stuck on what move to make next.  

            As I have gotten more comfortable with climbing, I have learned that I can trust that the rope and belayer have me.  When I get tired or frustrated with the next move I can lean back and shake it out.  I’ve learned to also take a moment to enjoy the view from new heights especially in the Red River Gorge.  When I make a move and fail to grab onto the next hold, I may get bruised, but I’m not falling off the wall.  I can trust the rope and belayer.

            God is our lead climber and our belayer.  He goes before us and anchors the rope.  When we tie into Him, we are secure for the climb.  When we get stuck on the next move we can pray and read Scripture to gain His wisdom because He sees our whole climb.  When we make a mistake on the climb, we might get bruised, but He catches you.  

            I just got back from my second Adaptive Climbers Festival at the Red River Gorge in Kentucky.  It has become one of my favorite weekends of the year.  People with varying disabilities get together for community, climbing, and fun.  It’s a bunch of people accomplishing incredible things that so many people would say are impossible.

            I had a couple of hard climbs and didn’t make it to the top of either of them.  According to my friends, they were “gnarly climbs.”  I’m super competitive with myself and was feeling pretty frustrated.  As I sat there in my frustration, I watched more experienced climbers also struggle to get past the places I got stuck.  I realized that sometimes the climb is just plain gnarly and it isn’t always about going full send to the top.  Sometimes it’s just showing up and learning from the gnarly climbs.  

            Isaiah 26:3 says, “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” When we are anchored into God and trust that He has the rope we can have peace even in the gnarly climbs, that might even leave us bruised.  I’m praying that you will trust Him no matter how hard the climb and circumstances might be right now.  May we land on His grace.

_{Red River Gorge ACF 2023}