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Growing up in Church I fell into the lie that as a Christian I had to have it all together.  I heard testimonies of how people changed after finding God and often it seemed that they then had their life all together.  For so long, I began to believe that I was missing something because no matter how much I read my Bible, prayed, journaled, went to Church, and joined Bible Studies, I was still struggling and going through hard things. 

            I had doubts.  I didn’t doubt God’s power or ability to step in but I doubted that He would step in for me.  I hid these doubts from the Christian Community around me.  I thought I had to create an image of being spiritual and being strong in my suffering.  Ultimately, the more I hid the doubt, the more it festered into shame.  It was a cycle of doubt and shame that entangled me for most of my life.

            I didn’t have it all together.  I wasn’t strong.  I was falling apart on the inside.  I was trying to prove that I could overcome the suffering, but honestly the suffering was overcoming me.  Something had to give, and then the mess happened in January.  

            Through the Asbury Outpouring and several sermons, I began to see that I had to start being honest about the doubt.  Hiding it only made me more vulnerable to the lies that I wasn’t good enough for God’s love, I was too broken, no one could love me, and that I wasn’t worth fighting for.  When I began to be honest about my doubts and faith struggles to God and a few trusted friends the shame lost its power over me.  Healing can only happen when we are honest and authentic about our doubt and struggles.

            Doubting doesn’t mean you are less of a Christian.  In fact, most heroes of the faith in the Bible had moments of doubt.  Abraham, Isaac, David, Thomas, and so many others.  It’s not the doubt that causes problems. It’s not being open and honest and withdrawing from God, that is the problem.  When we doubt it is vital to lean into God.  Ask the hard questions.  God is a loving father, who wants to walk through it with you.  He isn’t angry or disappointed in you.  He understands that we don’t see the whole picture right now and that as humans we can’t always comprehend how He is working.  Sometimes circumstances cloud our view and He wants to help you wrestle through it.

It is also important to share it with someone.  Sharing it in community reminds us we aren’t alone and those friends can rehearse back to us the ways God has provided thus far.  Being honest with a few trusted friends also keeps us from isolating ourselves and falling into the lies that we are the only ones or we are too broken for God to redeem our circumstances.  Those friends can also intercede in prayer for you.   

            If you are struggling with doubt today, know you aren’t alone.  Don’t hold onto shame.  The God who created you wants to meet you in that place.  Share your doubts with someone you trust who can also pray you through it.  It takes courage to be vulnerable and honest about our struggles, but it is the path to healing and a stronger faith in God.  Raise your ebenezer and anchor into Him as you wrestle through it.  I am praying that He will bolster your faith in this season of doubt and struggle.  May we land on His grace.

Growing up in a small country church, we sang Hymns during every service.  One of my favorites was “Come Thou Fount,” By Robert Robinson in the 18^th century.  Originally, it was my favorite because it had a lot of odd words in it, but as I’ve grown to understand those words the song has become a heart cry.  One of those odd words was ebenezer, no, not scrooge.  It says, “Here I raise my Ebenezer, here by thy great help I’ve come.”

            Ebenezer or Ebenezer Stone comes from 1 Samuel 7:12, “Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen.  He named it Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far the Lord helped us.’”  In this story in 1 Samuel the Israelites had brought the Arc of the Covenant to a battle camp thinking that it brought the presence of God.  Well, the Philistines won the battle and stole the Arc of the Covenant.  For many years, they were suffering the consequences of that loss.  Samuel guided them to put off false idols and turn back to God.  When they did this and Samuel interceded for them to God, things turned around.  The Philistines came to attack, again, but this time the Lord was with them and the Israelites won the battle.  This is when Samuel raised the Ebenezer Stone as a remembrance of how the Lord helped them.   We see this practice of building an altar of remembrance over and over in the Old Testament with Moses, Abraham, Jacob, and others.  

            I, much like the Israelites, had unintentionally put my hope in the gifts and people God had put in my life and not in God Himself.  This was a slow fade and not something I could even recognize until the rubble had settled.  While I was on the campus of Asbury, for the Outpouring, I spent some time revisiting some places that were Ebenezer Stones for me (Chapel, my dorm and apartment buildings, my favorite tree, the library).  The friends, I ran into on campus that day, also reminded me of some of the things God had brought me through while at Asbury, especially all the health issues.  There were several times when I left campus to go to the hospital that I wondered if that would be the last time, I saw Asbury in the rearview mirror.  

            Each place on that campus and story my friends recounted that day refreshed my hope in God.  I realized that I needed those stories rehearsed back to me in that moment to remind me to look at how far the Lord has brought me, and how the Lord alone is my help in every season.  This should be a regular practice for us.

            This practice can be especially vital in the dark moments when the problems cloud our view of God’s faithfulness.  Spending time in those physical places, writing a list, reflecting with a friend, or just spending time recounting the trials or suffering God has brought us through removes the focus from the current challenge and refocuses us on God’s faithfulness.  Let’s be honest we don’t always feel the closeness of God when we are in the middle of a storm, so raising our Ebenezer is one way to remind ourselves He is still faithful.

            What are your Ebenezers?  Is it a place or a list of ways God provided?  Take time today to recount the ways God has been your help.  Regardless of where you find yourself today, I pray you will see God’s faithfulness even in the trials.  May we land on His grace.

The end of January 2023 brought a mess, or maybe it was more like an implosion.  I had been dealing with a gastroparesis flare up for months and was unable to eat and maintain nutrition.  This along with depression and anxiety, that was more crippling by the day, left me beyond weary.  I was holding too tightly to my friends to be my source of support.  All of this cumulated into a mental health crisis that ultimately left me sitting in the rubble of my life, alone.  At least that is how it felt at the time, but I was never left alone.  God was right there the whole time I just couldn’t see it because my focus was on the problems, not God.  

While I hate that everything went down the way it did, I know that I had to have a demolition in order to re-align my life with Christ. No one could help me with this. I had to travel that path with just God. The Sunday after the crisis, I listened to a sermon a childhood friend preached on Spiritual Warfare. It was then that I truly saw that I had a spiritual problem more than a physical or emotional problem. I couldn’t ignore it anymore, but I had no idea where to begin.

God in His impeccable timing was preparing to answer a prayer for revival that many generations had prayed for in the little town of Wilmore, KY at Asbury University.  I was one of the many that prayed for God to bring revival to Asbury while I was a student there, but in the midst of my crisis that prayer was long forgotten. On February 8, 2023 a regularly scheduled Chapel service resulted in an “Outpouring” of the Holy Spirit.  My social media became filled with reports that students were still in Chapel hours after it ended and then the text messages came saying revival was happening.  

February 9, 2023 is a day I pray I never forget.  I drove to Wilmore, a little skeptical and uncertain of what to expect.  I’m not sure I will ever have all of the words to express that experience, but I can say my life was changed that day.  The moment I stepped foot on campus I felt God in a way I never had before.  If you know me, you know, I have always felt God on that campus, but this was unexplainably different.  

I entered the chapel with the intention to sit in the back and observe.  I only made it halfway down the aisle before hearing a sweet friend call my name.  I sat by her and quickly began confessing sin and the situation I was experiencing.  The hours I spent on campus that day were filled with precious encounters with friends speaking truth in my life and praying over me.  At one point, the worship team entered into a time of guided prayer and asked those struggling with suicidal ideation to stand.  As I stood, I quickly felt the hands of many friends on my shoulders.  They prayed for the chains of suicide and depression to be removed from me.

I immediately felt a difference in my soul, but honestly there was still some skepticism.  I’ve grown up in church and had been to many youth camps where I experienced the “mountain top high” that lasts a few weeks and fizzles out leaving me where I was before.  I wondered if that was what I was feeling.  A month later, I realized I still hadn’t experienced the depression or suicidal ideation that has imprisoned me for most of my life, even while experiencing situations that typically would have ended in a total tailspin of depression.  

It has now been about 8 months and if I’m honest I still wonder at times if those issues are gone for good.  I don’t know that answer, but I do know that the most important thing that came out of my “outpouring experience” is that I undoubtedly met my God in a real and personal way that has changed my heart.  He met me with His forgiveness, grace, mercy, and love.  It was the beginning of a new chapter, a new life.

During the course of the weeks of the Asbury “Outpouring”, thousands made their way onto the campus to experience their own encounter with God.  As I hear the stories of the outpouring from staff and students, the thing that has struck me most is the impeccable timing of God.  I cannot even begin to fathom how the God of the universe can orchestrate an “outpouring” that came at the exact moment thousands of people needed it.  I’m in awe.

Wherever you are, if you’re doubting, feeling alone, or feel like you’ve fallen too far, God wants to meet you in that place of deep hurt. You are not alone. It’s my prayer that God will show up with His impeccable timing and you will find hope in Jesus Christ.

May we land on His grace.

Those of you who know me know this isn’t my first attempt at a blog or sharing my story. I started “Faith and Fear Collide” in college during a difficult season of health issues.  I am coming out of another very difficult season and once again feel led to share my experiences to help others find hope in Jesus when they find themselves in the dark places of life.  Through the process of thinking about starting this blog, “Faith and Fear Collide” no longer felt like a good fit.  It felt like that focus was on the struggle, and I’m learning now it’s more about surrender.

Exactly one year ago, I was in the midst of several circumstances that seemed like my world was falling apart.  I was experiencing major health issues that resulted in having to step away from my dream career.  I spiraled into deep depression, resulting in several suicide attempts.  It was dark, and I lost some friendships along the way.   I didn’t see how I could ever get through.  Truth is, I couldn’t get through it alone. My friends could do nothing to help me. God could.  When everything and everyone cleared the stage of my life, God met me exactly where I was.  I had to go there alone and wrestle with God.  It was when I finally surrendered, that I landed on His Grace.  I have come to realize; I always thought the circumstances and challenges in my life were something I had to overcome.  I was fighting to be a good therapist, overcome health issues and relationship problems.  The more I fought and struggled to hold it all together, the worse the situation became.  I am learning that none of it is for me to overcome alone, but I am to posture myself with surrender and unshakable hope in the Lord.  Exodus 14:14 says, “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.”  We aren’t meant to carry our struggles on our own.  We are meant to abide and stay connected to Him, and when we make Him our focus, all things will fall into place.  

I’m finding the more I surrender the health issues, broken relationships, and dreams, the more I find Him.  The more I find Him, the more I find His grace in all areas in which I struggle.  Matthew 10:39 says, “Whoever finds his life will lose it and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”  Life doesn’t come from overcoming our struggles in our own strength, it comes from surrendering to Christ.  He is the only one who can overcome all of the suffering and problems we face.

So, as I was contemplating what to call this new blog, I stumbled upon a blog I wrote many years ago that I had long forgotten about called “Landing on Grace.”  As I read those early posts, it seemed fitting to return to that title.  The name of this Blog came from a song by Rich Mullins, “If I Stand.”  It says, “If I stand let me stand on the promise that You will pull me through, and if I fall let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You.”  It’s my hope that this blog will be an encouragement that no matter how hard or far we fall, we have a Savior who wants to meet us in that place with His grace.  May we land on His grace.