A year ago, I was baptized.  I grew up in church and was baptized as a kid, and being baptized again wasn’t on my radar.  Last year, I felt God ask me if I really trusted Him, and I felt I needed to be baptized.  I prayed hard on it and felt He was really asking me to follow in obedience to Him.  So, I did it.  

Fast forward to those nights in late January and February when I was sitting in the wreckage of the health issues, suicide attempts, and broken relationships.  It was my baptism in October 2022 that became a touchstone moment, for me.  I would replay the video of the baptism multiple times a night to remind myself that He had me and that I wanted to trust Him even in the mess.  Watching the video also reminded me of when I accepted Christ when I was 8.  My pastor, Brother Bob, had me hold his arm and he grabbed mine.  He had me let go of him while he still held onto me and told me that even if I ever let go of God, God still had me.

Those nights were hard.  I was wrestling with God and why He hadn’t stopped all of the suffering.  I was so tired of being sick.  I was tired of feeling alone.  I was tired of fighting to overcome the suffering.  I wanted the depression, hurt of broken relationships, and overwhelming angst to just be over forever.  

One night, as I sat in the darkness of the middle of the night, I thought of ways to end my life with no room for survival.  I went through each thought and I had an excuse not to go through with any of them.  I sat there realizing there seemed to be unbearable pain with choosing death or life.  Something had to end that night.  I was either going to give into my fear of living or decide, once and for all, that God was bigger than my fear of continuing to live in suffering.

I chose to live.  I decided to trust that God was bigger than all the heartache I was feeling.  That night I imagined myself grasping onto God’s arm and physically tightened my right hand as though I was holding Him tightly.  I may have let go of Him but He still had me.  He wasn’t going to let me go.  Those early days were a second-by-second decision to hold on just a little longer.  The suicidal thoughts didn’t go away that night, but I held to my decision to keep showing up to see how God would get me through the pain.

There is a song by Katy Nichole called, “Hold On” and it became a song I played on repeat.  

“Hold on just a little bit longer
I know it’s gonna be okay
These days are gonna make you stronger
You’ll find purpose in the pain
Hold on just a little bit longer
Deep down there’s a well of faith
Let hope arise as you’re lifting up My name
And just hold on
Just hold on, hold on….

Just wait ’til you see what’s at the end of the road
A new life is ready to unfold”

I held onto the words in that song.  I began to have confidence in the hope I have in Christ.  The hope wasn’t that the suffering would end and life would only be happily ever after, but that He was never going to let go of me as I walked through the hardest parts of life.  He had me, and a new life was going to unfold.  A life where my faith in Him was forged in the darkest night of my soul.  I pray I never have to walk through that darkness again, but I’m thankful for the relationship I have with Him because of those dark nights.

If you are in that dark place and unsure of how you will go on, please hold on.  First, cry out to God.  He wants to help walk you through it.  It might not feel like it, but God is bigger than the crushing pain you may feel.  Second, reach out for professional help if you are struggling with suicidal thoughts.  There is hope.  It may seem impossible but you will get through it, if you put your hope and trust in God.  Hold on.  Keep showing up second by second, and although it may not be easy, it will get better.  “Just wait ’til you see what’s at the end of the road, A new life is ready to unfold.”  May we land on His grace.